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Two nights of broken sleep preceded our first trip to the Netherlands. Long working days and a daughter with a fever made the 2:30am pick-up on Thursday tough. If there’s one thing the last couple of years have taught me - it’s that you can survive and function on very little sleep. I kissed the ladies goodbye and set off to the airport of Manchester.
The guys were surprisingly chipper, fuelled on enthusiasm. Damien provided the first of many laughs, packing his guitar in a soft case even though he has a perfectly good hard case (that's Damo). I told him I hoped it smashed into 400 pieces after recalling his amusement at the snapping of my Thunderbird-bass wing when we’d arrived in Copenhagen (hard cases all the way for me). Arriving with plenty of time to check-in, grab some breakfast and board our ‘easy’ jet, last year’s two Danish tours had prepared us well. I switched myself on ‘flight mode’ and slept until Amsterdam.
We found and met our Tour Manager Jordy in the parking area. A mountain of a man, as most Dutch are – being the country with the world's tallest people, his calm and friendly nature was instantly welcoming on a wet and misty morning. Before our arrival Jordy had sent us a comical yet pertinent list of rules for the tour. As we loaded into the large Mercedes splitter van I might have guessed we’d break a few of them, as well as adding several new ones.
1) Don’t Complain. Bitching, moaning, whining is tour cancer. If something is wrong fix it or shut the fuck up . Goddamn.
2) If you fart, claim it.
3) Don’t Lose shit. Everybody loses shit. Don’t fucking do it.
4) Don’t fuck anyone in the band. There are tons of people to fuck who are not in this band. Dumbass.
5) If you feel like shit all the time, drink less beer at the gig. You will play better & feel better. What are you… a child? Some have the endurance for self abuse. Most don’t.
6) Remember the soundman’s name. He will do a better job.
7) Eat oranges. Cures constipation & prevents colds.
8) Masturbate. Duh… Where & when? Be creative. You’re an artist right?
9) If YOU can’t carry your suitcase 3 blocks, it’s too goddamn big.
10) Respect public space in the van. Don’t clutter, you Fuck
11) If you borrow something, return it. Not Fucked Up.
12) Do not let the promoter dick you or talk you out of the guarantee. If there were not enough people there, it’s their fault. Not yours.
13) Puking after too much drinking is instant rockstar status downgrade. Amateur.
14) One navigator only (usually sitting shotgun). Everyone else shut the fuck up.
15) Soundcheck is for checking sounds. Shut the fuck up while everyone else is checking.
16) Don’t wander off. Let someone know where you are.
17) Clean up after yourself. What are you… a goddamn toddler?
18) Touring makes everyone bi-polar. Ride the waves as best you can and remember, moods pass. So don’t make any snap decisions or declarations when you are drunk or insane.
19) Fast food is Poison.
20) The guestlist is for friends, family & people you might want to fuck. Everyone else can pay. They have day jobs.
Thanks for not being an asshole
Scotty was in his element, finally on the road with the band and not having the responsibility of driving. The excitement was palpable on the
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En route Jordy informed us we were required to do two sets of 45 minutes – something we have never done. Having not rehearsed since August I got a slight sinking feeling. We compiled a make-shift set and then got stuck into the beers. Upon arrival at Café Bel Air we were all feeling tired from the long day of travel so the welcome couldn’t have been more appreciated. The venue was nice with a classy looking back room, decorated in red curtains kind of like the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks. A nice long stage and super-friendly staff provided free drinks for the night and a delicious pasta bake which we devoured (bar Johnny, who appears to live off crisps). Not the kind of treatment we are accustomed to in the UK, only sampled briefly in DK – it’s never lost on the SB. The extra bonus for our smokers was, in spite of the ban, the majority of the Netherlands ignores it – so they could smoke inside, which turned out to be all Damo could talk about for the next three hours.
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Kal and myself wandered into the town, decked in gothic architecture, seedy
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Back at the lodge we were in good spirits and ready for some much needed
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